He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
