I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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