On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
