My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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