The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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