those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
