I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
