Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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