You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
