i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
