I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
