my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
