My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
