Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
