It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
