whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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