The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
