community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
What a dumb baby whore.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Drunk is not a location!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
