Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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