Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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