I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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