somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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