Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
