If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
