Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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