God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
