fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
