I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
