quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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