I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
