Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
