Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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