Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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