The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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