How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I checked into jail on foursquare
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
