i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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