So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
