I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize