I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
