he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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