cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
