what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
