So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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