Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize