Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
