I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
