this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
