remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
