just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
In other news, I just burned my penis
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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