Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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