Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
