I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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