Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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