in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
