she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
