you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
