So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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